Divorce Consultant - Say What?

What are some of the major events that you have or will encounter in your lifetime?

• Birth of your children
• Selection of an appropriate college for your children
• Decision of and for a child to enter the military
• Death of a parent
• Purchase or sale of a home

For each of these, do you leave the decisions entirely to

• Your doctor?
• The college bursar?
• You?
• All your siblings?
• Your lender?

In each and every one of these (and more) circumstances, you consult outside sources to help you with these critical decisions. And so it is with a divorce.

Most people when contemplating, starting the process or even going through the process of divorce rely entirely and exclusively on their law firm for all the advice that they need or that they think they need. Sure, we rely on friends to get us through the process. But let's be frank. Rarely does a friend tell us anything other than what it is that we want to hear during this tumultuous process.

One might ask, and therefore assume that one's lawyer, will lead us through the process, navigate the deep and treacherous waters, look out for our welfare (and the most dangerous and most often incorrect assumption), will know everything about our personal life and situation in order to make the right decisions for us.

Let me be direct and frank. Many and perhaps even most lawyers will try and do all these things. However, if you have limited assets (less than $1,000,000) it is highly likely that you will be assigned a junior lawyer at the firm. Yes, you may well have a partner overlooking your case and assisting your attorney. But, yours is not the only case that that lawyer has. If in fact, you do have a junior attorney assigned to you, and your case ends up going more than a year a half, (which in many cases certainly will), it is VERY possible that your attorney will leave the firm in the middle of your case. That happened to me and to my ex-spouse (twice). You then have the unenviable task of either following your lawyer, which might on the surface seem like a good idea or have your case moved to another lawyer. Why would following your lawyer not be an optimal choice? Your lawyer moved to another firm probably for more money and therefore more responsibility. It is possible and probably likely that you will NOT be getting the level of attention that you were used to (and for which you were paying mightily for the priviledge). Think about it. If you went to a new job, you have a whole level or new responsibilities. Bringing "old work" with you is just going to add to your challenges.

So what is the point of this? Your lawyer does not know every detail of your life, nor what is most important to you (which may well change over time during the divorce process.) Yes, your lawyer should and will represent you during the legal process, BUT it is YOUR responsibility to be able to look into the future and determine EVERYTHING that might be important to you and your family and ENSURE that the custody, asset distribution and alimony documents (depending on your state) reflect everything that you need them to.

Here is the problem. It is highly unlikely that you will have any chance to anticipate everything that you need to when negotiating the terms of the agreement. You need someone who has been through the process to guide you through the process.

A divorce consultant is NOT a substitute for legal counsel. A good divorce consultant will not try to get in between you and your legal counsel. A good divorce consultant needs to be someone you can trust with the details of your divorce, as well understanding your goals. A good divorce consultant, as well as a good lawyer need to help you to understand that the best divorce agreement is the one where both parties are unhappy. Why do I say that? Because you will NEVER get everything you want. A good divorce consultant will tell you NOT what you want to hear, but that which reflects reality and likely outcomes.

Remember, once you have decided to divorce, the divorce process is now by and large a BUSINESS negotiation. Nothin more. A good divorce consultant can help you to begin to remove the emotional constraints that you will inevitably be experiencing. An investment in a good divorce consultant will save you money, perhaps a lot of money. Clients will very often "bond" with their attorneys. This can become a very expensive proposition.

If you live in the Phoenix, Scottsdale, Peoria or anywhere in the general Phoenix area, we can help. We will help you learn how to manage your communications with your lawyer to reduce your legal expenses. We will help you to understand your finances (if by chance you were the marriage partner that did not manage the bills). We will help you to prioritize your goals of the divorce process (For example, if you the husband, it is CRITICAL that you stay active in your children's lives. Your idea of what might work in terms of visitation for a teenage, may not be appropriate for a young child.) Both parents need to look into the future and be able to craft their agreements to deal with uncertainty. That is in many states, loss of job is usually grounds to get an alimony decree modified but it may well NOT result in modification of future college expenese.

I will be happy to meet with you discreetly for a free initial consultation.

If you need help, do not procrastinate. If you are approaching a negotiation, arbitration or court appearance and need help immediately, we can help.

I guarantee you that life will get better as you get through this difficult part of your life.


Valley Divorce Consultants
39813 N. Wisdom Way
Anthem, Arizona 85086

240-994-3340

How to limit your legal expenses

Contrary to popular belief, a higher billing rate for a lawyer does NOT imply higher legal expenses. As I mentioned in a previous post, you need to do your homework when selecting a divorce attorney or firm.

However much of the runup in legal expenses, is unfortunately due to impetuous and unprepared clients.

• When you lawyer briefs you on the calendar items for you to address, do NOT procrastinate. Your procrastination will result in your lawyer having to hand hold you through the experience. That costs money.

• When you have to generate documents; as in financial statements, answers to interrogatories, etc. BE COMPLETE. Again, being vague or incomplete will result in your legal team spending more time with you than in necessary

• Your lawyer is NOT your confidant, friend or backboard to float ideas off of. STOP EMAILING your lawyer unnecessarily. You should be in contact with your lawyer when you have questions about documents you need to produce, what the next step it, etc. but unless you want to spend a LOT of extra money, you have to put aside the "what should we do if he or she does xyz". You probably should plan on a weekly half hour telephone call with your lawyer. But every time your lawyer reads an email from you, you have probably just spend a quarter of an hour, at least. You have to ask yourself, what is it that my lawyer can DO with the contents of the email that I am sending. Most often, it is NOTHING.

Out of Court Negotiations

Anything you can do to stay out of court while protecting your interests is a good thing. You MUST realize however that you are NOT going to get everything you want. Once you have decided to divorce, it is a negotiation. If your ex won't negotiate in good faith, then simply let the process continue. And I know that it is not simple. 

Generally you will have to end up with alimony, property settlement and visitation agreements. Anything that you can negotiate without the lawyers involved is a good thing. Try and build some momentum by getting the property agreement done first.  However, keep your attorney apprised once you get to visitation issues and most importantly, alimony. You might want to consider or the court will mandate alternative forms of dispute resolution, mediation, etc. You might want to consider that but don't feel that you MUST come out of those negotiations with an agreement, because it will most likely then be a bad agreement for you.

Do it yourself

There will be a number of documents that will be required to produce over time or provide input to your attorney to prep for negoations and/or trial. In many cases, people are so emotionally involved in the circumstances of the divorce, that it is often difficult or impossible to focus on the tasks involved to go through years of bills, and checks and credit card receipts. Many clients will pay their attorneys to do this.

Consider ways to absorb that workload yourself or talk to us at Valley Divorce Consultants to help you with these and other tasks.
 

Divorce Consultant

One might wonder, how does paying "another" professional help to reduct your legal expenses?
Most people will to some degree "bond" with their attorney during legal proceedings. This is natural. You are opening up the most intimate experiences of your life, all your personal information and potentially embarrassing experiences and choices you have made.

Unfortunately, it is very often the case that you will be spending a lot of money "communicating" with your lawyer, not because your attorney needed information, but because you thought and more accurately "felt" that your lawyer needed to know information. It is most often the case, and I have gone through this experience, that that information exchange did NOT need to happen when I felt it did. As a result the emails and phone calls, while seeming and feeling critical to you at the time were uinnecessary. This is not to say that the information would not be ultimately necessary for your counsel to know, but most often, it is best to "bundle up" issues to talk to your attorney about, usually once a week.

We at Valley Divorce Consultants can teach you the techniques to manage those communications and in some cases teach you how to resolve some of those issues yourself or to prioritize issues, focusing on the most important first.

Despite all the emotional issues involved in a divorce proceeding (and most often involving separation also), the process will get expensive. But YOU can manage that process. We can help you to reduce those costs.

A divorce is a life changing event, obviously. It will be expensive. However, there are ways to manage your costs and still get as good of an outcome as possible.

Know Your Finances

Most states require financial statements to be submitted as part of the divorce process. In most households, one person usually handles the finances. If you are the one who is not handling the finances, then you need to embark on a crash course in understanding your finances.

Note that when considering finances, there are two broad categories to consider, assets and liabilities, for one, and then also income.

As always, you need to know and follow the laws of your state that you reside in and/or are going to file in. As always consult with your attorney,  but generally speaking, there is no expectation of privacy in a household. That is, you can go look at your spouses computer and any financial paperwork in the house. Note that the same can be done to you. Get your computer password protected AND have it checked to make sure that nefarious software like keyboard loggers are not resident. Better yet, if you have a laptop only, keep it locked in your car when you are not using it.

Determine all the assets and liabilities

If you can talk to your spouse about this, do that first. Find out about all the assets and liabilities that you own together AND that you own separately.

• Sit down and make a list from memory of everything that you can think of that you own together (financial assets) as well as liabilities.
• Make copies of EVER piece of financial information you can find.
• Get and access every online account you have individually and jointly. This applies to investment accounts, credit card bills, utility bills .... everything. Download every statment available.
• If you are joint on any of those accounts and the password changes, then call the company back and get it changed again or if possible get your own access to that account.
• Make copies of all deeds to real estate, car vehicles, ... basically every piece of information with respect to assets and liabilities that is in the house or that you have access to.
• Make copies of your spouses credit reports.

Isolate your portion of the maritial financial assets

• This one is critical to discuss with your lawyer first, but you must take every step possible to isolate your legal portion of shared financial assets. That is, you don't want your spouse to pull your portion of assets and dispose of the assets. What you can legally do varies greatly from state to state. Some states would allow you to withdraw your portion of the assets and deposit them with the court. You must at least however be aware of what assets are there and what the balances were at any point in time.

Use the internet

• There is a lot (probably too much) of private financial information on the internet; property tax records, legal judgment records, home purchase records, etc. Do you homework.

Get your  own accounts

• Get your own checking and savings accounts. Have your own pay checks deposited to your own account. Do this immediately once you have decided to divorce regardless of whether any filings have occurred. In many states, a filing can not even occur until after a set period of time of physical separation has occurred.

• Start logging all your finances in Quicken or something similar. You will HAVE to come up with something like this for the divorce proceedings. Keep the receipts to document the numbers you are claiming.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF FINANCIALS

• Especially if your children are young, you must get the crystal ball out and determine what kind of expenses you are going to have in the future. Many people underestimate this and find themselves in a bind later. This can include costs for vacations, college expenses, etc. Remember that once your kids get into middle and high school, they are going to have activities that cost money; sports, band, etc.

• If you are on the receiving end of alimony, REMEMBER, there is no guarantee that your ex's financial situation may change resulting in reduction or elimination of alimony. P:LAN AHEAD.

As with all aspects of divorce, and divorce planning, financial issues play a role of critical importance. Many or most people going through a divorce are dealing with emotional stresses that make it nearly impossible to deal with these issues effectively. Find a friend or a confidant if you have to, but don't ignore issues such as this. You and your children could suffer the consequences for many many years.

Negotiating Your Agreements - Property Settlement

Do I Really Need to Have Separation or Divorce Agreements? (Property Settlement)

(This is one in a series of posts having to do with negotiating your way through a divorce.)
Please fee free to subscribe to the blog, pass along comments or questions and/or suggestions for other articles. I will likely be updating these blog entries over time and will be moving to standard web site in the near future to continue to work of passing along useful information and helping those trying to get through this most difficult process.)

Often, couples considering divorce, do not know whether the monetary, time and emotional investment in divorce agreements are worth it. Only you can decide that. My purpose here is to give you food for thought for some of the issues that may come up in the near and long term future in regards to property settlement issues.

Generally speaking there are three categories of agreements that constitute divorce and/or separation agreements; visitation/custody, property distribution and alimony. Whether you are negotiating these with your spouse directly, or through attorneys or through some form or mediation (with or without attorneys) it is critical that you think about (and write down) issues that you want addressed long before you get to the point of having to sign off agreements. It is impossible to be able to look into the future and see how certain issues that you agreed to may play out in ways that you did not anticipate. There will be issues that you didn't even consider that you wish you had.

Having said that, keep in mind that no agreement can or should try to address EVERY possible scenario. Some people who are divorcing would like for that to be the case so as to not have to deal with their ex in the future. This will never be the case, especially if you have minor children.

If you dealing with lawyers at this point in the process, (prior to or after separation but before divorce) your attorney or your spouse's attorney will generally "start things off" with a "first cut" at an agreement. It is my opinion that YOU should set the tone and be the first to come up with that first cut. Your attorney will generally supply you a template that perhaps may be tailored to some of the issues that your attorney knows are important to you or area relevant to your state of residence. Remember the following however:

• Your attorney is not perfect (as much as you would like to expect that based on what you are paying!)
• Your attorney does NOT know every intracacy of your life, your past or your life's situation. As much as  your counsel would like you to believe, they do have other clients.
• YOU are the customer. You have the final say.
• It is YOUR responsibility to get every issue addressed that you want addressed.
• You will NOT get everything you want. However, the better prepared you are, the more bargaining chips you will have.

 You are very likely going through economic, emotional and physical stress. It is often difficult to think clearly. At some point you may well confront a feeling of "I just want this to be over with. I am tired of arguing the small points. Give me the pen and let me sign." You have to construct the process by which you "conduct your divorce" so as to avoid or minimize these feelings. You need a plan. You need to be organized.

When it comes to constructing and negotiating a property settlement agreement (and agreements in general) there are different tactics that can be taken. There are attorneys that like to take the tactic of building in a "negotiation buffer" into the negotiations. (That is don't come in with your best and final offer because you will have to negotiate away from that.)   It is is my opinion and observation that once you have time to look back on the proceedings, at least in terms of some aspects of property settlement and visitation, it is best to cut to the chase and be reasonable yet forceful. Legal fees, emotional stress and other considerations make it important for you to focus on what is most important. Perhaps property settlement will be the most important aspect of your divorce. Perhaps not. If so, give it your top priority and negotiate like there is no tomorrow. Know what you you want and determine what you can live without. Know what your spouse wants and what he/she might not want.

It may be very difficult for you to see that your "vision" may well change dramatically over time as it relates to property; this is especially true of household items. Many of these may hold sentimental value for you early on in the divorce process. Realize that your views may change and may change dramatically with time. Material items that may have had value at one point may well turn into a cash drain as you keep items in storage trying to determine where your new life will take you.

Another lesson that you will learn in the process is that you will NOT get everything you want and you will almost assuredly feel that you have been dealt with unfairly. My advice is to expect this, prepare for this and get over it. My lawyer once told me that the best agreements are those where both parties are unhappy.

Remember, where you are now in the process reflects a "business negotiation". If you can look at things in that fashion, you will likely be able to get through the negotiation best. The emotions of the divorce are certainly present and will be. You will be able to represent your interests best if you are able to look at the process of coming up with an agreement as strictly a business negotiation.

Here are a few elements (and your specific case may or may not include other apsects of 'property' that need to be addressed.

Household Items

Make a list of everything in the house and take photos of everything in the house BEFORE you start the divorce/separation process. It will protect you in the event that "things" disappear. Having said that, anything that you have that is indisputably yours personally (as in it was brought to the marriage before the marriage) should be yours. You might want to consider removing from the house. Consult with your attorney on this.


Do yourself a huge favor. Don't get hung up over minor household items. You should both get items of a personal nature or that you brought to the marriage. Agree to a "you choose, I choose" rotating process. Write down what each of you get. Thoroughly consider, especially if you are the one moving out of the house or if you are staying in the house for the short term but then plan on moving, what you really "want" or "need". If you have a grand plan to put your possessions in storage and then use them later for another residence, give that a LOT of thought. You may well change your mind down the road. The furniture generally will not do well in storage. You will find that you will want to make a "fresh start" with new furniture and a new life. The cost of the storage will quickly drive you to question why you wanted all this stuff in the first place. If your residence has one "big ticket" item, i.e. piano, you might need to modify the "I pick, you pick" scenario to account for that. You might want to give up that item but negotiate for something else that you really want. Make sure that you know EXACTLY what is going to be staying in the residence if the residence is being sold. You might by accident select something that is going to stay with the house and thus lose out.

Homes

Ensure that you get your fair share. Never start from a position of less than 50% share of net proceeds if the home is being sold. Ensure that you have language in the agreement that addresses the process by which the house is to be sold and what expenses you will be incurring, especially if you are the party that won't be living the house. Generally, one will agree to reduce the asking price a fixed percentage every month. Given the real estate market that you are in, you might want to consider putting in a "floor" amount and/or have language to agree to take the home off of the market and put it up for rent.

If you have shared income, never start from a position of paying remaining mortgage debt at a percentage higher than what your income represents as a percentage of the total family income.  In any of the agreements, when there are any elements of cost sharing (educational expenses, mortgages, etc.) based on percentages of income, if you are the higher income wage earner do NOT agree (without compensation elsewhere) to that percentage PRE ALIMONY. If you think you will be paying alimony, DEMAND that that percentage be based on alimony-augmented income for your spouse. Having said that, remember that this entire process is negotiable. The more legitimate issues that you note the more negotiating room you are going to likely have to improve your post-divorce economic situation.

Do everything you can to get the homes sold before you divorce. If you are going to be living the marital home, be CERTAIN that you understand all the expenses associated with the home. Do ALL due diligence to get all possible liens identified against the home. (Spouses who weren't paying the family bills often find surprises in this regard.) Know exactly what your expenses are going to be. Negotiate who will pay what part of the mortgage. If you are not going to be living in the house, during and post divorce, determine with your counsel what you believe is "necessary" and try not to get saddled with extravagent mortgage payments. Above all, do not agree to expenditures that you do NOT have control over. For example, if you are going to be paying for a portion of the marital home and expenses prior to selling, make sure you know what are reasonable utility bills and negotiate for a ceiling on your outflow for this expense.

Retirement Accounts

Generally start at a 50% allocation. Again, as with homes, ensure that you have ALL the contribution and withdrawal records and ensure that the account is immediately frozen so that any other withdrawals can not be made. Additionally, if you expect a lengthy divorce process, you might want to consider reallocation of the funds from any potentially volatile accounts into very stable accounts so that the account value does not fluctuate wildly during the divorce proceedings. Ensure that if the accounts are going to be split and you are receiving part of your spouses pre-tax retirement accounts, that you ensure that you do incur a taxable event. Ensure that a specific date is noted as what the split it based on.



Bank Accounts/Stocks/Bonds

If your children have bank accounts that you and/or spouse are joint signees on, get those frozen or have you both put on as required signees for any withdrawals.

Get a personal checking account and credit card immediately upon deciding to divorce. You will have a much easier time tracking your personal expenses that way. Get any joint accounts frozen immediately for which joint signatures are not required. Generally joint checking accounts require either of the two of your to sign. Get those accounts frozen immediately. Consult with your attorney as to how to proceed on this. I urge extreme caution in making withdrawals that might be viewed by a judge as "raiding" the joint account.

For any joint accounts, get ALL available statements and make copies. Keep those copies outside of your residence. You are generally not obligated to make copies of anything to give to your ex. Once you have decided to divorce do NOT give anything to your ex without your counsel being aware of it. Ideally the requests for information should be processed through counsel. Although  this generally increases the costs of the divorce, if you end up going to trial, you need to know EVERYTHING that they could use against you.

Again, as with retirement accounts, ensure that there are no "other" loans that might show up for which you might get stuck with. If you have a service that provides joint credit reports, get a copy of your spouse's credit report as soon as possible and go through it meticulously. If you can not get one on your own, make a formal request through counsel.

Gather all available records for any other stocks or bonds. Shoot for at least a 50% distribution. Now having said that, if the contribution history that you have for some asset was above and beyond what your spouse contributed, GET THOSE RECORDS. You should be making the case that while those may have been "legally" joint funds, you may have made short-term income sacrifices for the long-term investment gain.

Buying out his or her half

You may have other assets such as real estate where you might want to consider "buying out" your spouse's half. When considering these kinds of situations, make sure you perform "present value" calculations to determine that buyout amount. Don't just split the net value. Ensure that you determine the value reasonably but in your best interests.

All the above "advice" is given with the caveat that you should consult with counsel if you have any questions and know the laws in your state. You can never be "too" informed.

Selecting a Divorce Attorney

Divorce is a terrible experience to go through. In a sense, one is never really done "going through" it. My intent here, with this blog, is to, if possible, pass along a few tidbits of "lessons learned" and to pass along thoughts to ponder and actions to consider.


Do I need an attorney?

I suppose the first question to consider when selecting a divorce attorney is "when" to select a divorce attorney. I can't emphasize enough that if your marriage can be saved, SAVE IT. Divorce is not a path to that "greener pasture". Stresses and problems will occur that you can't imagine right now. People's lives will be forever and immeasurably altered.

Many of my comments are recommendations need to be tempered as to what the laws are regarding the state you live in and your personal circumstances.

Before even embarking the question of lawyers and court and all the attendant issues, you need to come to a set of realistic expectations as to what your goals are. Keep the following general guidelines and expectations in mind:

a. You will NOT get everything you want.
b. You will NOT get everything you think you deserve.
c. If you go to court, you will relinquish control of the outcomes to a 3rd party (a judge).

Much more will be said about these issues in further posts. But, as it relates to determining whether or not you need an attorney and how to select one, I offer the following advice. Regardless of how amicable your situation is with your spouse and your motivations for resolving the issues outside of court, you need to know your rights and you need to know what to expect in terms of the laws in your state. You need to know how to proceed. I would strongly recommend that you retain an attorney if at all possible, if for no other reason, than to ensure that you know the path you are embarking upon, what the potential pitfalls are and what to expect in terms of the time-line involved in getting a legally binding divorce.

In order to answer the question as to whether or not you need an attorney, you need to have a clear idea in your mind as to whether or not you understand your goals and options and the feasibility of attaining them without counsel. Now keep in mind that the determination of whether or not you need an attorney is not tied to the question of whether or not you will end up in court. However, unless you are in the rarest of circumstances where both parties are amicably disposed to agree on all issues and the state you reside in have very "easy to follow" rules and guidelines, you will likely need an attorney, if only for sporadic consultation.

As with most decisions in life, getting a personal referral is the best approach to purchasing a service.

Most lawyers will offer a free initial consultation. Don't expect the lawyer to have a crystal ball. Many clients will inevitably ask a variant of the following question: "Well, what kind of case do I have." You need to understand that that that question generally doesn't have any relevance. The divorce process has nothing to do with right vs. wrong (generally); fairness or even justice. It is a negotiating process, first and foremost. Don't expect them to tell you whether or not you should get divorced. Don't expect them to tell you how much alimony you will get, how much you will have to pay or much of anything having to do with outcomes.I will deal with this in another post, but the two most important determinants of the outcome of the divorce process is how well organized you are and how well in control you are of your emotions.

There are a few guidelines you should follow however when trying to determine a choice in a lawyer. Remember that they are selling a commodity, so at one level or another, they are in the marketing business. In general, don't be impressed with splashy, flashy web pages. It means nothing and in my opinion can indicate a lack of substance. If at all possible, get a personal referral. Unfortunately, most everyone has a personal friend who has gotten divorced. Look for professionalism. If you are a woman, should you look for an all-female firm, if possible? My even-handed opinion is that you should look very closely at such a decision. On the surface that may make you "feel good" about yourself and your case and that you are being "taken care of". I have not seen any studies that indicate you will get a better outcome. Remember, what will matter the most is how well prepared you are and how in control of yourself you are.

What should you look for when interviewing a lawyer? (and yes you must be treating this as an interview). If the lawyer starts giving you guarantees about outcomes or uses phrases like "you have a very good case and it is likely you will do well", then you should, in general, be very wary and probably should walk out. NOTHING is guaranteed in this process. The better prepared you are, the better things will likely go. However, there are simply variables outside of your control; especially, the judge assigned to your case, assuming your case goes to court.


"Do's in selecting an attorney or a law firm"

When selecting an attorney you are generally selecting the law firm and the lawyer is then generally assigned to you. Ask for an initial free consultation. Many reputable law firms will grant you that.

Look for professionalism. While the "neatest" office doesn't always guarantee the best outcome (remember the movie "The Verdict" with Paul Newman?) , a professional look and feel is important and is usually indicative of a well organized office or imply otherwise. Look for indications in the office that it is being run well. Are the phones answered professionally? Are people standing around looking like they have nothing to do?

Do your research on the internet. Look for articles written by the attorneys of the firm and their "presence" in the legal community. Look to see if that firm does any pro bono work. I personally believe that that is an indication of a certain level of professionalism. I believe the personal demeanor of the partners is a critical indicator of the firm and its attorneys. Ask to meet with one of the partners when you make your appointment. In other words, be an aggressive customer. Believe me, you will be paying for it.

What kind of questions should I ask when I meet with an attorney?

You need to treat this interview as if it were the most important interview of your life, because it is.
Be prepared with your information. Know your finances. Know your spouses finances. Be prepared emotionally. The attorney you are going to speak with is not a marriage counselor. Unless there are legal implications as to actions that your spouse has taken (e.g. abuse, physical threats; and in some states a limited number of physical abuse occurrences are not grounds for divorce) the kind of person that your spouse is, is irrelevant. You will not be "compensated" in any way, if you think you are the "good person" in the relationship. The process of getting a divorce is for all intents and purposes, a business transaction. The decision to divorce is an emotional one; you cannot allow the divorce process to become an emotional one for you.

You need to mentally and emotionally adjust your thinking to understand this. An attorney who "plays up" to you and tells or implies to you that your spouse is unfair and that "we will take him for all he or she is worth" is lying to you. An attorney who makes firm promises in terms of the outcome, is misrepresenting themselves, and the process and is generally looking to start logging billable hours. An attorney who doesn't at least encourage you and your spouse to get through the mechanics of the negotiation of the divorce on your own or via mediation, is generally not acting in your best interests; and remember that that is always their job, to act and to advise you as to what is in your best interests.

You need to be able to trust your attorney. Down the road, you will need to be able to have an attorney who will tell you things that you may not necessarily want to hear.

What will my attorney be doing for me?

Even if you and your spouse can and do agree on the issues that need to be resolved; child custody, property distribution and alimony, you should plan on an attorney to at least review your "agreements". Remember however that all decisions made are ultimately yours. You will have difficult decisions to make. Remember that you will NOT get everything you want. Your attorney may suggest that you could push for more alimony or more property. However, push can and often does lead to shove. If you have a good enough relationship with your spouse and are able to come up with agreements on these issues that you may not be ecstatic about but could live with, then be very wary of making attorney-driven modifications.  You have to be thinking of the big/long-term picture.This may well push your spouse into making similar demands. This process will inevitably deteriorate and then escalate into a situation where mediation is necessary or attorney-driven involvement in hammering out agreements is required. Your costs will escalate dramatically.

On the other end of the spectrum, in the cases where the parties involved are not able to come up with agreements or even talk, attorney involvement will quickly escalate. They will often be present during mediation. Generally this is when court involvement begins. Depositions are often taken. All of your records will be requested to be exchanged between parties. Witness lists will begin to be drawn up. And if agreements still can not be reached, the parties will end up in court. All of these activities and more will become a drain on your time and resources.

I can not overemphasize that if you can not come to an agreement with your spouse before you go to court, a judge will make the decisions for you. This may be where you are forced, but you generally need to avoid it, if you can.

As always there can always be more said about this topic. Find an honest lawyer who will act in your best long-term interests.

Take Control of One Thing in Your Life

Life often seems like a struggle (that we are often losing) in terms of  loss of control of our lives to outside influences. Sometimes this is the case. Sometimes outside influences can seem to take control of our lives.

Sometimes we abdicate control of our lives to others. Sometimes we try and control elements of our lives that simply can not be controlled and sometimes we simply make poor choices and have "nowhere to go" but down.

Depending upon your individual circumstances during this time in your life, including but not limited to the state you live in, whether or not you have children or your economic status, one of the many emotional phases you will experience will be that of loss of ownership of aspects of your life.

EXPECT it. PLAN for it. EMBRACE it.

This lack of control of your own life has its source in varying elements of the divorce process. The legal process robs you of control of your schedule, your finances and your time (do not underestimate the time commitment). You may or may not now have as much access to your children. You may not have any control whatsoever on the outcome of discussions or attemtpted discussions with your spouse.

This lack of control can be emotionally devastating to an individual. Other factors also will affect your emotional state throughout and after the conclusion of this process.

However, my advice to you is to find ONE THING that you CAN control in your life. It might be as mundane as watching a single 1 hour program on TV per week. During that one hour, you turn off the computer; you silence the phone and you give yourself that 1 hour. As we will discuss in other blog entries, perhaps getting to the gym a set number of times as a set time of day might be what you need to do to establish control over something in your life. (The benefits of exercise during this time can not be over-emphasized.) We will address that extensively in another blog entry.

The divorce process will eat you alive if you let it. You will have to (and maybe for the first time in your life) come to grips with accepting and understanding your emotional makeup. You will have to learn to control your emotions and target your emotional state to goals that you will need to have in coming out of the divorce process. You have to be prepared (at least emotionally) for any possible eventuality and twist and turn during and probably after your divorce. It is these unexpected twists and turns that cause most people to feel like they have lost control of their lives; either lost to the divorce process or to the spouse.

It is critical for you emotionally and even from a standpoint of stability to feel as if you do have control of some aspect of your life.

Remember however, you may for a time have to relinquish control of aspects of your life but NO ONE MAKES YOU RELINQUISH CONTROL OF HOW YOU RESPOND TO THOSE CIRCUMSTANCES. Don't fool yourself into believing that you have no control over who you are, because when all is said and done what we are or what we think we are underneath is irrelevant. How we act and react to our circumstances is always in our control and in fact defines us.

" ... it's what YOU DO that defines YOU ... "

"... it's what I DO that defines ME ... "

Introductory Post

First off, this site is still under cosmetic construction, so bear with me as I meld my way into a product that I will actually like. But I wanted to start getting posts out there.

I have struggled coming to the conclusion to start this blog. Divorce is such a private affair. While specific personal situations won't be discussed here, one always thinks about how the discussion of such a private topic will be taken; especially by acquaintances, friends and family.

I ultimately decided to engage upon this task, not for reasons of using this as a platform for my points of view, but as a distributions point for lessons learned having gone through the process. I will attempt to keep the discussions away from being specific to any given state. However, having gone through the process in the state of Maryland, posts will be couched with and from that point of view and as it relates to the laws of Maryland, as they existed in the 2009/2010 time frame. (Laws constantly change as they are in Maryland in some regards as it relates to divorce.)

This blog is very dependent upon participation from the reading audience. Please suggest requested topics of discussion as you see a need.

I will try very hard to keep this gender neutral. However, there are certain topics that are not treated in a gender neutral fashion by the law and will likely be discussed accordingly.

As the administrator, I of course reserve the right to block posts and posters that do not contribute to the overall intended tone of the blog. I won't tolerate emotional non-factual diatribes that do not contribute to the overall tone and posture of the blog. Vulgarities likewise will not be tolerated.

I will not be making any posted recommendations for any specific lawyers or law firms on this site; nor will I tolerate posts or posters that make explicit sales pitches for any lawyers or law firms. I have not, as of this time decided to ban input from lawyers. I will see how that goes and react accordingly.